What is my center?

I have a history of failed and feigned interests and relationships that lead me down the road of uncertainty. I've used others lenses to shape my own opinion, so I question even my own preferences. 

I go balls to the walls, become an expert and a passionate participant, then walk away without a second thought. In some ways I like that I can be passionate and learn new skills without feeling like everything needs to be a life long pursuit. For instance, I bought, restored, and sailed a Catalina 22 sailboat several years back. I learned so much and was passionate about operating that boat. I knew everything there was to know. One day I sold it, and that was it for sailing. I loved it, but I left it. The time is a cherished moment that ran its course.

That has certainly helped me from a career perspective. I've done a lot and I know a lot,  but I don't have that "thing" that I see so many other people have.  I'm CEO of a small company, even though leading a company was never part of my life-long plan. And now, what someone would consider “the top,” is where I find myself. But where do I go from here? Certainly, I’m not done. With absolute clarity I can envision buying the company from the owner and making it my very own. At the same time I need to question if that is the best thing for me.

And this leads me to the point:

I'm never really sure of my place. Although I seem to fit into just about every crowd I join, I still feel like I'm an imposter of myself. Not wanting to stir up any conflict, I placed no boundaries with friends, employers, my wife of 32 years, or my 23 year old estranged son.  The impact of that is becoming evident to me now.

At 53 I find myself at the onramp to divorce, my own doing and likely the result of the aforementioned lack of boundaries, lack of personal emotional depth, and lack of a vision of the life I want to live.

At this point, I'm not sure if I'm lost somehow or if I'm planted exactly where I need to be. New relationships are forming and I'm energized where I am. What I really need to understand, and looking to clarify, is my personal meaning TODAY. I need to strip away walking through life under someone else's body of expectation, figure out which "me" is the real one that has meaning and the me that can offer depth.

Are you in this place? I refer to it as reaching the top of the ladder only to find its leaning on the wrong wall. This is where a conversation about live envisioning can fit into a personal growth plan. Contact me and let’s see where clarity can be found on your journey.