A Rebel in Bondage
The Rebel She Wanted
I think she was attracted to the rebel, the disheveled look, the unpredictable rogue. Sleepy eyes, less than clean shaven, tired, scratchy voice, uncertain of where he'd wake up next. I even commented on it once. We were watching a movie and she commented how she found the main character attractive. I said, “You like that homeless look, don't you?”
Maybe that's what it was. Maybe that's why I was attractive. Overworked, tired, unpredictable schedule, perpetually moving towards or recovering from some stage of intoxication. Yes, that's what she found attractive. This truth meant that for me to be attractive, I had to feel like shit. A clean 9-5 man wasn't in her fantasy world.
That's not a roadmap for the future, it's unsustainable. And even worse, it'll lead to an early death.
Becoming a Fixture
When I became predictable, stable, reliable, that's when I just became a fixture in the family. There are two sides to this coin. Seeing each other first thing in the morning and last thing at night, cursory check-ins are no way to keep the fire going. We lost interest in trying to be interested. Of course I loved her, but more powerfully, I just didn't like her.
There were some things about her personality, that I just had a problem with. But when I could leave for days, weeks, or months at a time, that personality trait was bearable. I didn’t need to learn to live with it because I always had a was to avoid it, it would only be a problem now and then.
A Different City, A Different Life
Through a series of events, within the family, and beyond, I found myself residing as a married man in a different city. It was very familiar, I was actually living in our second home in Florida.
The idea was that we each would commute back and forth to see each other, but that never materialized. I made several trips, her not so many. There are reasonable reasons that I didn’t ask for more, I did not choose to focus my strength on something to bring closeness. Instead, I learned something else.
I was very much alone with only myself at the beginning and end of each day. At the end of the day, my home was quiet. I felt peace. Peace with something I had never really felt in a relationship. Although still obligated, I felt unburdened. And that was the first time I said, “something is off.”
She liked the rebel and the rogue.
The Question That Changed Everything
It doesn't take a genius to see where this is leading. We separated, and then I hit a point of no return. I stopped drinking completely. Probably, I should have dove deep into the work. I didn't have to dive in too deep to learn the point. I'm a pretty smart guy. But here's the question that changed everything: “If I were to keep doing what I was doing, where would I be in 5, 10, or 15 years?” Lonely, desperate, isolated, unhealthy, maybe even dead? Dead being a very high probability. Unfortunately, I had some very good examples in my small community of my imagined 68-year-old self. What was to become of me in 15 years, was very ugly in 3-D. On May 2, 2022 I walked out of a friends apartment, I clapped my hands, and proclaimed out loud, “I'm never doing this shit again!”
I simply quit.
A Different Kind of Rebel
I guess in some ways that does make me a rebel and a rogue. I've never had a single tattoo, I don't have piercings, I exercise, and I have a church that I am committed to. I chose to look inward to take responsibility, and I have harbor no ill feelings to those who enabled me.
Before and After Arivaipa
More recently, I took a writing retreat where I wrote and expressed myself honestly to 10 absolute strangers. I cried, I did not hold back, and I absolutely fell in love with everyone there. I'm a sensitive individual, I want to be accepted, and I accept others as they are.
What are you doing
Have you looked at your life seriously? Asked “what will I be in 5, 10, or 15 years if I continue on this path?” When you do, when you really know there are changes you need to make, be courageous and get in touch with me. We will forge a path, put the tools in your hands, and clarify a destination that you can live with.