A Rebel in Bondage
The Rebel She Wanted
I think she was attracted to the rebel, the disheveled look, the unpredictable rogue. Sleepy eyes, less than clean shaven, tired, scratchy voice, uncertain of where he'd wake up next. I even commented on it once. We were watching a movie, and after she commented on the character, I said, “You like that homeless look, don't you?”
Maybe that's what it was. Maybe that's why I was attractive. Overworked, tired, unpredictable schedule, perpetually getting towards or recovering from some stage of intoxication. Yes, that's what she found attractive. If this is the truth, then for me to be attractive, I had to feel like shit. A clean 9-5 man wasn't in her fantasy world.
That's not a roadmap for the future, it's unsustainable. And even worse, it'll lead to an early death.
Becoming a Fixture
When I became predictable, stable, reliable, that's when I just became a fixture in the family. There are two sides to this coin. Seeing each other first thing in the morning and last thing at night, maybe that's not how to keep the spark going. I lost interest just as well. Of course I loved her, but so many times I just didn't like her.
There were some things about her personality, even things we talk through in therapy, that I just had a problem with. But when I could leave for days, weeks, or months at a time, that personality trait wasn't unbearable. It was something tucked away that I'd have to see only now and then.
A Different City, A Different Life
Through a series of events, within the family, and beyond, I found myself residing as a married man in a different city. It was very familiar. I was actually living in our second home in Florida.
The idea was that we would commute back and forth to see each other, but that never materialized. There are reasonable reasons, but I did not choose to focus my strength on something to bring closeness. I learned something else.
I was very much alone with only myself at the beginning and end of each day. At the end of the day, my home was quiet. I felt peace. Peace with something I had never really felt in a relationship. Although still obligated, I felt unburdened.
She liked the rebel and the rogue.
The Question That Changed Everything
It doesn't take a genius to see where this is leading. We separated, and then I hit a point of no return. I stopped drinking completely. Probably, I should have dove deep into the work. I don't have to dive in too deep to learn the point. I'm a pretty smart guy. But here's the question that changed everything: “If I were to keep doing what I was doing, where would I be in 5, 10, or 15 years?” Lonely, desperate, isolated, unhealthy, maybe even dead? Dead being a very high probability. Unfortunately, I had some very good examples in my small community of my 68-year-old self. That was ugly in 3-D. Clapping of the hands, proclaiming out loud, “I'm never doing this shit again!” I simply quit.
A Different Kind of Rebel
I guess in some ways that does make me a rebel and a rogue. I've never had a single tattoo, I don't have piercings, I exercise, and I have a church that I am committed to. I recently took a writing retreat where I wrote and expressed myself honestly to 10 absolute strangers. I cried, I did not hold back, and I absolutely fell in love with everyone there. I'm a sensitive individual, I want to be accepted, and I accept others as they are.